AMerrick

The beginning of the rest of our lives.  November 2003

Its hard to believe, in just a few weeks we have been together for 6 wonderful years.  In those years, I/we have been through alot together.  We have went through, and over come things that most couples couldn’t even dream of.  You have watched me mature from a young adult to the beautiful woman I am today.  It is because of you, that I am here today.  Your love, has given me a new meaning of life.  You continuing support, guiding me, and helping me make the right choices in my life.  Even when I’ve chose to make some bad choices, you have been there for me, loving me and comforting me. 

Just 9 months ago, you took my hand in marriage, as you promised my daddy when he passed away.  You have been far more patient with me than I would ever be with myself.  I love you, for never giving up on me and always believing in me.  Right now, is when I need you believing in me more than ever.  I have struggled with my weight for years, as you know, although you love me the way that I am, I need this for my health and the sake of our future children.  I need your strength when I feel weak, and I need your guidance when I want to give up.  You have already reminded me not to give up or give in because it hurt, that only means its doing the job. 

Because of you, I am here today to fight for my life.  I am here today, to work hard on myself so that one day we can have a healthy family.  Because of you, I have a reason to fight for what I want.  Because of you, I will not give up. 

Today, I stepped on the scale and finally hit the 20 pounds lost.  After the last two weeks of struggling I am finally over that small hump I have been working so hard for.  This week, I am giving it my all, and nothing less.  Even if it takes his love to get me through it all.  I want him to be able to fit his arms completely around my waist like he originally was able to.  I’m sure, alot of you know what its like when you first start dating and don’t want to eat around one another for awhile.  Well he gave me no choice, it was either eat or he would make me eat.  I chose to eat, and now that I have done what I haven’t done with past boyfriends I have gained weight.  Most of it came when I hit rock bottom, but I am now trying to undo all of the harm that Ive done to myself.  I just need people to help me believe in me.  I need that boost once in a while, just to remind me that I am worth what I am working so hard for.  So that when I have those weak moments I can remember that this is something that my body needs excessively.  Its time to be strong, I can not break.

Ever have that little voice in your head that just won’t go away?  The little person on the inside that keeps telling you that you can’t do it.  Ever have that little voice inside your head that you just want to pull out and shake the life out of it?  I have been there many times.  Somedays I wonder how I have made it past those crazy voices.  Some of you may think I am just plain nuts, when others will know exactly what I am talking about.

Ever stare down at food that isn’t good for you, and have that little voice say “EAT IT”?  That voice is always so hard to ignore.  A part of me wonders if that little voice will ever go away, or if I will get control of it once I get control of my body.  Everytime I try to stay away from something that isn’t healthy for me, that little voice comes ringing in my ears.  “EAT IT, EAT IT, EAT IT.”

Its time for me to reach into where ever that little voice is coming from, and shake the life out of it.  What good is that “voice” doing me?  None what so ever.  It is making my weight loss a living hell, or so it thinks.  I have the power, and I am slowly gaining more and more control over my body, sooner or later the voice will be going on a vacation out of here.

Ever fell like you have a skinny “bitch” living inside of your “fat” body?  I do quite often.  I always try to shut her up with all of that food that isn’t good for me.  But that will be no more.  Yesterday I bought a book, that has some weight loss tips in it.  It will help me figure out the amount of calories intake I need, the amount of carbs, the amount of fat, and the amount of protein.  Along with it has some good recipes in it for healthier eating.  As well as some exercises I can try out.  Looking forward to it once I get some of it read.  I also took a drive to Game Stop, and bought Golds Gym Cardio Workout.  I didn’t mess around with it for too long last night.  But it was fun, what I did.  Can’t wait to get into it a little more.

I have been doing what I can to get my weight loss on track.  Now that I have more “tools” to do so, I hope I will one succeed that much more.  Its time to shake that inner me out, and tell those voices that won’t shut up to GO AWAY!  I have control of my body, and IT will see before this is all over with.  I will no longer let all of the things I have in the past, to suck the life out of me.  I can and will be the healthiest I have been in years. 

I love who I am, and I want better for myself.  So to that inner voice inside of my head, GO AWAY!

Ever, find it hard to stand firmly on the ground?  Over the past few years of my life, I haven’t been able to ground myself.  For so many years, I have worried about others throughts and opinions, that I lost track of who I was.  I would only stand on one foot at a time.  The lack of confidence in myself, has been the main cause of my weight gain.  I could sit here and blame everyone else, but I am the one who has stooped so low as to listen to all of the crap people have nailed into my head for so long.  When all along, I have wanted to be strong and fearless.  I have always put everyone elses wants and needs before my own.  Never recognizing what I was doing to myself, let alone the people that I was allowing to go before me.  I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel until I hit rock bottom.

Ever hit rock bottom and wonder what came next?  I hit a time in my life where I had the choice to change my way of life, or to die.  To me, the easiest way out was to die.  But, my mother & my husband never gave up on me.  When I was to the point of being hospitalized they picked me up and guided me along the way.  Looking back, I know my father would have been ashamed of me.  How could I let peoples thoughts and opinions control my life as they did.  At a point in my life, I became a monster.  I was smashing my head into things, I have a dent in my car door to remind me everytime I look at it, of the person I once was.  Unlike most people, I took the chance to pull myself away from the darkside, before it sucked the life out of my body for good.  My mother & My husband; gave me two choices, either to straighten up on my own, or to be committed to a crazy hospital.  From that moment, I took every piece within me that was still alive and I pulled myself away from that coma like life that I was living.

It has taken me a very long time to get to where I am today.  After the rollercoaster life, I have lived for so long, I finally got a grasp of what was left of my life.  I saw on one side, my life ending before my eyes, on the other side I saw what I had to live for.  The easiest way out, would have been ending my life.  I didn’t see or think that there were many people out there who actually cared or valued the life I lived.  I lost just about everything.  My job, I got fired for taking time off when my father was on his death bed.  My siblings disowned me.  My dad’s kids thought I was a selfish low life, and that is what I believed for the longest time.  It made me wonder what the hell I was still alive for.  I can’t tell you how many nights I lied in bed begging god to take my life.  But instead, he guided me into the part of my life that has made me the person I am today.  Instead of taking the easy way out, I took the opportunity to use those who were there for me as a crutch.  They helped lift me from the horrifying life I had been living for so long.  My mother & My husband guided me into the life that I live today.

Most people would be ashamed to admit living as I have.  To me, it has been a life filled with lessons.  For the longest time, I couldn’t accept the fact that I had to learn how to live all over again.  Who could ever guess, living without a parent would be so difficult.  I will be honest, I thought I would step out of the funeral home and live as I have for so many years.  But, because I was so worried of what people would think, if I broke down during that funeral, I never had time to grieve.  My grieving process took alot longer then the reast of my family.  I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t come to terms with my fathers death.  I would cry, and eat to ease the pain.  I never saw myself gaining this weight that I have put on sense then.  I would have to say, that my fathers passing has been, the biggest life changing event in my life.  Today, I can stand before you and be comfortable with what I am dealing with in life.

Today, I stand with both my feet planted firmly on the ground.  I still have steps I must take, but with those steps I keep myself grounded.  Along with grounding myself, I have learned what does and doesn’t help me.  Unlike before, I think of myself before others.  For so long, I was told that I was so selfish, but you wanna know what, I no longer care what people say.  Yes, I may be selfish, but I had to come a long way to get to where I am right now.  I am the strongest I have ever been in my entire life.  And I have my parents, my mom’s kids, & my husband to think for that.  Without them, I couldn’t have made it to where I am today.  I have learned not to let the opinions of others get the best of me.  I have tired to rekindle my relationship with my fathers’s family, those who disowned me after his passing.  They haven’t done any part in rejoining the family, but you wanna know what, I can look back and say I have done my part.  At this moment, I am concentrating on myself & my life with my husband.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  The one person that has always been constant in my life, aside from my mom, is my husband.  He stood right beside me, even in my darkest days.  When I look back, if I would have had to put up with me, I would have left.  He has given me far more than any other human being on this earth ever could.  He has given me love, compassion, honesty, devotion, and so much more.  I married him on October 18, 2008, the best day of my life.  I had some family members who didn’t support our choice of the day we got married, because its my Brother VP’s Birthday.  He passed away 16 years ago, I thought making his birthday a happier occassion was a good thing.  But I guess not, I was told I was self centered and selfish.  That it was all about me, nothing to do with my brother.  I still got married that day, without my father’s kids support.  It was the best day of my life, without them there.  I have had a few of them tell me they wish they were there now.  But you wanna know what, that was there choice, now they can live with it.  I made my choice along time ago, not to allow others to put me down as they have in the past.  Do I want a relationship with my family, yes, but I am not about to beg for it.  I shouldn’t have to, I have done absolutely nothing wrong to lose what I have lost.  Instead of letting it get the best of me, I have gained so much from it.

The strength I have today, is because I have the faith in me, that a lot of people don’t.  I am here today, because I chose to do something about my life.  Everyday I wake up and make choices that I know I will have to live with for the rest of my life.  As I do with my everyday struggle with my weight.  I have made the steps to better myself, I hope one day I can look back and say atleast I don’t have to struggle with that weight anymore.  I know I have along way to go.  But I know I will get there some day.  One day, someone I haven’t seen in a long time will look at me and tell me how good I look and I will feel great.  I will keep up all the hard work, because of the support that I do have.  Even without the support, I am stronger than alot of people give me credit for.  I can and will do this.  Just wait and see!  Until then I will stand my ground.