AMerrick

I think, I am finally out of the funk I was going through.  Im finally all healled up from both my sun poisoning and my infected hang nail.  Last night, I went to the gym, for an hour.  Although it wasnt as long as it usually is, I did have a pretty intense workout.  And I did for once have my heart in it again.  :)  Aside from my hour at the gym, I played Golds Gym Cardio Workout at home on the wii.  I felt wonderful afterwards. 

This weekend, I have found myself not hungry, so its been hard to make myself eat.  Any suggestions in what to do?  I try not to eat if Im not hungry, but should I force myself?  Anyone else find themselves having this problem?  Here it is almost 5pm and I havent ate yet today.  I have been busy, and just havent had the urge to eat.  I know thats probably frowned upon, but what should I do? 

I finally fixed my MP3 player, I find that I workout harder when I can chose what I am listening to.  The last couple weeks, that my mp3 player was messed up, I found it harder to workout.  I feel alot better when I have the ambition to get through a long intense workout.  My music helps me get the job done.  :) 

I have had a slow, but fun weekend.  Too bad I have to go back to work tomorrow.  :(  Still maintaining at the 289 mark.  ugh.  Hope to get over that hump this week.  Wish me luck!

 ***UPDATE*** I lost 2 more pounds so I am at 287!

The beginning of the rest of our lives.  November 2003

Its hard to believe, in just a few weeks we have been together for 6 wonderful years.  In those years, I/we have been through alot together.  We have went through, and over come things that most couples couldn’t even dream of.  You have watched me mature from a young adult to the beautiful woman I am today.  It is because of you, that I am here today.  Your love, has given me a new meaning of life.  You continuing support, guiding me, and helping me make the right choices in my life.  Even when I’ve chose to make some bad choices, you have been there for me, loving me and comforting me. 

Just 9 months ago, you took my hand in marriage, as you promised my daddy when he passed away.  You have been far more patient with me than I would ever be with myself.  I love you, for never giving up on me and always believing in me.  Right now, is when I need you believing in me more than ever.  I have struggled with my weight for years, as you know, although you love me the way that I am, I need this for my health and the sake of our future children.  I need your strength when I feel weak, and I need your guidance when I want to give up.  You have already reminded me not to give up or give in because it hurt, that only means its doing the job. 

Because of you, I am here today to fight for my life.  I am here today, to work hard on myself so that one day we can have a healthy family.  Because of you, I have a reason to fight for what I want.  Because of you, I will not give up. 

Today, I stepped on the scale and finally hit the 20 pounds lost.  After the last two weeks of struggling I am finally over that small hump I have been working so hard for.  This week, I am giving it my all, and nothing less.  Even if it takes his love to get me through it all.  I want him to be able to fit his arms completely around my waist like he originally was able to.  I’m sure, alot of you know what its like when you first start dating and don’t want to eat around one another for awhile.  Well he gave me no choice, it was either eat or he would make me eat.  I chose to eat, and now that I have done what I haven’t done with past boyfriends I have gained weight.  Most of it came when I hit rock bottom, but I am now trying to undo all of the harm that Ive done to myself.  I just need people to help me believe in me.  I need that boost once in a while, just to remind me that I am worth what I am working so hard for.  So that when I have those weak moments I can remember that this is something that my body needs excessively.  Its time to be strong, I can not break.

Through the experience of working out and living healthier, I have learned that my mind, body, & life will never be the same ever again.  With the changes of my weight, and my attitude I have made some changes in my life.  I have decided that I am more valuable than some friends give me credit for.  I deserve, friends that are loyal to me, and aren’t there just because its convenient for them.  I know there are times when life gets crazy and you just dont have time, but when you flat out ignore people, thats wrong.  I have learned I am a better person because I can walk away.  I am a better person, because I am doing things to better me.  Both mentally and physically. 

What does this have to do with weight loss?  It helps get the stress off my shoulders so I can focus on getting me healthier.  I have notices alot of good, positive changes in myself since I started working out.  I don’t seem so angry all the time, something that work causes alot of the time.  I seem more laid back and free willed.  I am excited to say, that I am actually enjoying myself for the first time in a very long time.  I am happy to say that I feel that I am finally breaking free of that shell.  Maybe its the weight loss, or its the socializing that comes along with it.  But there is a new spark on me, I just don’t know what it is quite yet.  I am just happy to see the change in me, even if nobody else sees it.

I never saw myself doing soo good with my weightloss, so fast.  :)  It makes me feel more achieved now that I have got the ball in my court, now only I can decide what to do with it.  I can either pass it to another person, or I can slam dunk it.  I think its time to slam dunk it and do something for me for once in my life. 

I sit here wondering why I waited so long to lose the weight I have put on over the past four year.  But, when I think about it, I know the answer.  It was all in my mind and body, since I put it in my mind that it was time, and this time my body was ready so its working.  I have come along way in such a short amount of time.  I have noticed that I don’t get so tired, and I am able to do things longer. 

I feel blessed to be able to do the things I have done.  Everytime I workout, I think of the outcome in the end.  I look at my reflection in the mirror and love the person I am transforming into.  I am loving myself for once.  Its taken me so long to love me, for the person I am.  And now that I am, I am transforming into something amazing.  More amazing than I ever thought possible.  Hopefully in the next week I can post my before picture.  In another month or so I am going to post a picture of my progress, I hope its visable to others like it is to me. 

Yesterday, I was at work and aside from all the lovely compliments I was getting, I was constantly having to pull my pants up.  I forgot to wear my belt yesterday, I need to get into the habit of putting that belt on, because I am beginning to need it!  Noticing my pants being lose made me smile.  I guess its better to have to pull them up, then to have to unbutton them, right?  I am happy with the results, and I can’t wait to see how much better I can do over the next few weeks! Two more weeks and I have been at this for a month!

The fact that people at work are beginning to notice the weight loss.  They are beginning to comment on how good I look.  I have even had a few ask me how I have done it.  That makes me feel that all the hell I go through, at times, when I work out, its all worth it in the long run!  I love how I feel, and I am sure it will only get better!

Here I am, just two weeks after joining Anytime Fitness, approaching my goal with momentum.  Just two weeks after I started working out, and stopped drinking pop, I have lost 19 pounds! 

They often say doctors don’t want you to lose anymore than 2 to 3 pounds a week, but what are you supposed to do when the weight just keeps falling off.  All I am doing is working out 2 hours a day at the gym, and making better drink choices.  I am still eating food I shouldn’t be, but I try to make better choices when I can.  Not eating as much, as often, or I am eating less, more often. 

I have made it over the “hump” in the road, and I hope I can keep on making it over the “humps”.  My biggest problem was cutting the pop out and understanding that I do not need it.  Understanding that I am in control of my body, even if my mind tells me differently.  I just have to keep having that power to give up things that I know aren’t good for me.  I feel blessed to have the one advantage alot of people don’t, and that is that I don’t smoke!  I thank god that I never started that. 

Hopefully in a month from now, I can tell you that I have to buy skinnier clothes, that would make me happy.  I’m getting to the point where Im going to have to start wearing a belt to work.  Which is a good thing, right.  I am where I am today, because I made that choice to do something about my weight finally.  I hope that I have the willpower even when people get cruel and mean through it all. 

I am hoping to make some “real” friend along the way.  I have had such a hard time over the years with friends.  I tend to forgive the ones that I don’t think I can live without, when I know in my mind that I can.  I can’t keep making excuses for them just so that they can be in my life.  Its time that I find people who are truely there to be my friends, instead of using and abusing me.  I am always told I am a likeable person, but whats the big deal?  Why is it so hard for me to keep people in my life?  I am told all the time at work that I am liked, and loved, because of the person I am.  People tend to like my personality, but what is it about me that makes them “run”?  Why do people act so “ashamed” to be around me?

Today, I was checking out a blog of a girl that I have met on here.  She was talking about how she is always tired and depressed, and that made me decide to come up with a blog telling you how I go to where I am today.  Which I am not too proud of.

July of 2005, My father passed away of bone marrow cancer.  I never saw it being as hard on me as it was, but it about took my life.  I lost my job just a few weeks after because I missed the time when he was in the hospital.  i sat on my ass collecting unemployment for 6 out of the 9 months that I didn’t work.  I relied on everyone else to help me pay my car payment and insurance.  I was to the point where I didn’t care whether I lived or I died.  I thought dying with my daddy was the best thing for me.  My father wasn’t only my dad, but he was my best friend.  I never realized until after he died, how much I leaned on him when I was going through a rough time.  After he passed away, I had to learn how to relive my life without him in it.  In the process I gained all of this weight.  I will post a picture of me the day we burried my dad’s ashes and me recently, well as recent as I can get.  After I lost my job, I slept until I couldn’t sleep no more, then I would get up and eat a bunch of unhealthy food, and sit at the computer for 9 or 10 hours a day playing around on myspace or browsing around.  It got to be old, but I was the only one who could change it.  My dad died in July of 2005, and I didn’t get a job until May of 2006.  Which I have been there ever since, I am a Customer Service Manger at Walmart. 

Now that I look back, and see what I have been through, and who Ive become, I am not proud of the person I was 4 years ago.  Without all of the love and guidance from my mom & my Fiance then, now Husband, and my moms kids, I wouldn’t be who I am today.  I went through a phase where all of my dad’s kids disowned me and told me how horrible I was, and I believed them for the longest time.  I was bad because I took care of my father, and because I fought for him to have a proper funeral.  They were going to have him lying in a casket with a sheet draped over him and that was it.  The way the hem hauled around, he had to be in cardboard box, because he was being cremated.  It was so horrible, but it made me happy that he had his close on.  That day I was worried about everyone else.  I shed maybe a few tears if that , the rest I was socializing so it didn’t hit me so bad.  And that is why I think I gained all of the weight I did.  Because thru his passing and his funeral arrangements, I didn’t have the time to grieve like I should have.  Since my dads death, I have gained atleast 50 to 100 pounds.  Yeah that doesn’t amount to much over 4 years, but that still is alot. I look back a old pictures of me, and wonder whatever happened to me.

Now, I have taken the action to lose weight, and I think I have the support I have needed, finally.  :)  I can only look forward to the future.  I have finally come to terms with myself and I have accepted that my dad is no longer here on earth, but he lives in my heart.  With out that I don’t know if I could do what I do everyday of my life.  I am losing this weight for me, and to make my dad happy.  I know he always wanted me to be a healthy woman.  Diabetes run in my family like mad, so Im trying to prevent that.  And because I don’t want to be the size I am when I go to have kids.  I don’t want to follow the Whitaker side, they die in their 50’s.

After being away from the gym for the weekend, I feel better now that I have gotten back on the “saddle”.   The past two days that I didn’t work I felt like a slob.  You don’t realize how much working out makes you feel until you stop after doing it for so many consecutive days.   I feel like a new person all over again.  I went to the gym tonight and worked out for a about two hours.  I did about a half hour of weights, maybe a little longer.  Then I did about 40 minutes or so of cardio, on the eliptical & stair stepper machines.  I even got to see a little bit of the bacholorette.  I was watching and comparing notes to it with a couple of the girls at the gym. :)  I seem to be making some “friends” along the way.  They stop and talk to me when they see me, even though sometimes its just hi, how are you. 

I weighed myself yesterday, and I was retaining the same weight, which I thought was good after not working out at all during the weekend.  I hope I don’t go two days like that ever again.  But, I felt spending time with my husband was very important, since my working out has been cutting into our time a little bit.  Hes a wrecker driver, so I have to spend time with him when I can.  Hes on call all the time, which sucks at times.  We will see how I do in a little over a week when I go out drinking with some peeps, hopefully I remember to take it easy. 

Thank you for all of your support, the ones who Ive been talking to.  Your support means alot to me. :)  Thanks for the comments and words of encouragement.  It makes me feel that much better about my accomplishments.

As my mom was filling her cup with a fountain pepsi at the gas station today, I had to fight the urge.  The fresh crisp smell of the the pepsi making my mouth water.  Taking everything in me just to walk over to one of the coolers and pull out a vitamin water.  I’ve gone over a week without a pop, and the urge is getting hard to fight.  Me, being a pepsi lover, wanting a taste of one.  Also knowing, that if I give in, I might not turn back.  With the change I see in my body, I have chosen not to drink.  

I sit here wondering why my body weakens at the smell of pepsi.  My body awaits with the sound of a pepsi can opening, just to be in disappointment.  Not knowing that sound was for yet another body.  My mind begins to weaken, aching & throbbing, waiting for me to give in.  I surpress the pain with a few pieces of chocolate.  Its not the same, but it surpresses it for now. 

I wonder how much longer my body will want or need the “drug” my body so despirately does not need.  How much longer will my body go on like this?  Why can’t it just be easy?  The cravings must stop, before it puts me into a mental state that could weaken my defenses.  What can I do to supress the ”hunger” in my body?  I’m trying to be healthy and strong, when my body is trying to weaken.  I feel like a  skinny woman in a fat womans body, and the only way to shut the fat woman up is to ”feed” her, her “toxic” food & beverages.  I am trying to “kill” the fat woman within me.  Any ideas, before my defense weakens and I have to start all over again? 

I recently, started going to Anytime Fitness.  Since then, I have went everyday and I have worked out a total of 8 hours, since Thursday, and that doesn’t include today.  I have seen an improvement in myself.  When I go to eat something, I think about it because I dont want to undo the workout that Ive been doing.  I haven’t drank any pop in 3 days, this is my 4th day. :)  In which, I have noticed a difference in the skin on my face, my complexion is the best its been in a long time.   I took a look at myself in the mirror today and I noticed, my neck looks skinnier, which is where I lose it first usually.  And my arms are starting to tone up.  :)  I have also noticed, I am not sleeping as long and I am not as tired at night time anymore.  Ive been feeling energized throughout the day.  My back pain as seemed to ease up a bit. 

My stress & frustration level has went down to about nothing since I started working out.  I found that its the best way for me to vent it.  I feel good about myself when I am done exercising at the gym.  Whether I exercise and hour, or a couple hours.  I look at what Ive accomplished in that day and it makes me feel amazing.   I am already doing more than I thought I might do.  I see that it is now time to pick up the pieces and get my butt into gear.   My legs are starting to feel better, they were hurting, more than likely in shock for what I am doing to myself. ;)   I am happy about the results.  I may hot and full of sweat, but it makes me feel accomplished when I look back and see what Ive done in that frame of time. 

I hope I can keep up the good work, because I want to get back down to atleast size 14 or 16.  My short term goal is to get down to where I was when my dad died.  So hopefully I can do it, although, I believe I can do it.   Today, I have makde some good choices with my diet.  I choose carefully what I have been eating.  Yesterday, my hubby bought me a pop, I told him that I had stopped drinking pop.  I thanked him for the gesture and put it in the refridgerator for someone else at a later time.  I am impressed that I was able to resist.  But I did, and I feel good about that.  I can’t wait to see what else I am able to acomplish over the days, & months.  I am hoping to start seeing results by the end of the summer.  On Thursday, I will be weighing myself to see what kind of results I have gotten!  Wish me luck.