AMerrick

As my mom was filling her cup with a fountain pepsi at the gas station today, I had to fight the urge.  The fresh crisp smell of the the pepsi making my mouth water.  Taking everything in me just to walk over to one of the coolers and pull out a vitamin water.  I’ve gone over a week without a pop, and the urge is getting hard to fight.  Me, being a pepsi lover, wanting a taste of one.  Also knowing, that if I give in, I might not turn back.  With the change I see in my body, I have chosen not to drink.  

I sit here wondering why my body weakens at the smell of pepsi.  My body awaits with the sound of a pepsi can opening, just to be in disappointment.  Not knowing that sound was for yet another body.  My mind begins to weaken, aching & throbbing, waiting for me to give in.  I surpress the pain with a few pieces of chocolate.  Its not the same, but it surpresses it for now. 

I wonder how much longer my body will want or need the “drug” my body so despirately does not need.  How much longer will my body go on like this?  Why can’t it just be easy?  The cravings must stop, before it puts me into a mental state that could weaken my defenses.  What can I do to supress the ”hunger” in my body?  I’m trying to be healthy and strong, when my body is trying to weaken.  I feel like a  skinny woman in a fat womans body, and the only way to shut the fat woman up is to ”feed” her, her “toxic” food & beverages.  I am trying to “kill” the fat woman within me.  Any ideas, before my defense weakens and I have to start all over again?