AMerrick

The beginning of the rest of our lives.  November 2003

Its hard to believe, in just a few weeks we have been together for 6 wonderful years.  In those years, I/we have been through alot together.  We have went through, and over come things that most couples couldn’t even dream of.  You have watched me mature from a young adult to the beautiful woman I am today.  It is because of you, that I am here today.  Your love, has given me a new meaning of life.  You continuing support, guiding me, and helping me make the right choices in my life.  Even when I’ve chose to make some bad choices, you have been there for me, loving me and comforting me. 

Just 9 months ago, you took my hand in marriage, as you promised my daddy when he passed away.  You have been far more patient with me than I would ever be with myself.  I love you, for never giving up on me and always believing in me.  Right now, is when I need you believing in me more than ever.  I have struggled with my weight for years, as you know, although you love me the way that I am, I need this for my health and the sake of our future children.  I need your strength when I feel weak, and I need your guidance when I want to give up.  You have already reminded me not to give up or give in because it hurt, that only means its doing the job. 

Because of you, I am here today to fight for my life.  I am here today, to work hard on myself so that one day we can have a healthy family.  Because of you, I have a reason to fight for what I want.  Because of you, I will not give up. 

Today, I stepped on the scale and finally hit the 20 pounds lost.  After the last two weeks of struggling I am finally over that small hump I have been working so hard for.  This week, I am giving it my all, and nothing less.  Even if it takes his love to get me through it all.  I want him to be able to fit his arms completely around my waist like he originally was able to.  I’m sure, alot of you know what its like when you first start dating and don’t want to eat around one another for awhile.  Well he gave me no choice, it was either eat or he would make me eat.  I chose to eat, and now that I have done what I haven’t done with past boyfriends I have gained weight.  Most of it came when I hit rock bottom, but I am now trying to undo all of the harm that Ive done to myself.  I just need people to help me believe in me.  I need that boost once in a while, just to remind me that I am worth what I am working so hard for.  So that when I have those weak moments I can remember that this is something that my body needs excessively.  Its time to be strong, I can not break.

I decided, that I needed to get serious about taking care of me, and turning my life around; both physically and mentally.  I often say I am going to do it, but at times I just give up.  Its time that I get serious about all of it, so I took some time this morning and did a little bit of research, and I thought I would share some of it with you guys.  

Obesity is a medical condition in which excess body fat has accumulated to the extent that it may have an adverse effect on health, leading to reduced life expectancy. Body mass index (BMI), which compares weight and height, is used to define a person as overweight (pre-obese) when their BMI is between 25 kg/m² and 30 kg/m² and obese when it is greater than 30 kg/m². Obesity is associated with many diseases, particularly heart disease, type 2 diabetes, breathing difficulties during sleep, certain types of cancer, and osteoarthritis. Obesity is most commonly caused by a combination of excessive dietary calories, lack of physical activity, and genetic susceptibility, though a limited number of cases are due solely to genetics, medical reasons or psychiatric illness.

The primary treatment for obesity is dieting and physical exercise. If this fails, anti-obesity drugs may be taken to reduce appetite or inhibit fat absorption. In severe cases, surgery is performed or an intragastric balloon is placed to reduce stomach volume and or bowel length, leading to earlier satiation and reduced ability to absorb nutrients from food.

Obesity, is something, alot of us suffer from.  Some of us are having the hardest time getting out of that obese catergory.  Instead of sitting her dwelling on it, I am finally taking actions for all of the weight, I have put on over the past years.  I have always been big, as a child I always had a bell on me but nothing serious.  I know, that if I try my hardest I can get out of this catergory.  I have to or it will be the death of me one day.  I want to be able to run, and play with my kids when I do happen to have them.  I want to live past the age of 50, which if I follow my dad’s side of the family I will die somewhere in my 50’s.  I have so much to live for and I don’t want this to be the death of me.  I can’t let this horrible disease kill me.  I am too young to be so “ill”.

I must start watching what I am eating, I must start working out harder and more intensively.  I am hoping if I workout hard enough the skin will shrink so I wont look so bad.  But I am not sure it will even help me with the excessive skin.  I am only hoping.  I can and will do better.

Beating Obesity..

Firstly stop consuming food that is high in fats such as burgers, fries or cakes. Before you go about implementing an obesity cure, you need to admit that you have a problem. When you have the urge to eat, take fruits or pre-cut vegetables instead. They not only help combat weight loss but keep the body healthy as well.

Get the doctor’s advice before you begin losing weight especially if you are in excess of 50 pounds overweight. They will be able to give you the appropriate tips on the right diet and program for you.

Other obesity cures include surgery or having your own personal trainer. Besides all the methods, you must look deep within and see whether subconsciously you have a problem as well such as an eating disorder or maybe a fear of losing weight successfully? When this is done properly, you will be better equipped to face the challenges of losing weight. Remember that losing weight does not happen overnight. Have an obesity chart which include family and friends. This way you will keep your progress in check and they can help support you when it gets tough.

In the end it is just a matter of how badly you want to beat obesity. Once you form very strong habits, you will never look back.

I am finally ready to change myself, for myself and my future.  I don’t want to be one of the numbers when they look back at the Whitakers and say that I followed the footsteps when I am trying despirately not to be.  I want to keep away from all of the health problems that come with being a Whitaker.  i love and value myself too much.  I think, after doing this research, I will do better.   I can, and will change my life.  Its time to get serious about watching my intake of Calories, Carbs, Fats, ect.  What I need to do, is figure out how many of what I actually need in order to function along with my workout schedule. 

Looking forward to seeing what I can be in the future!  This is either going to be the life or death of me, and I am choosing for it to be the life of me.  I am living my life for me & my husband.  I can’t give up, just because something doesn’t work.  

Hope my findings help some of you out, as they are helping me.  

Over the past week or so, I haven’t been working out as much as I was in the beginning.  Between my sunburn, sun poisoning, and busy schedules I just haven’t had time to get into the gym and do what needs to be done.  Today, I will be making a trip to the gym, one way or another Im working out today.  I can not go another day without working out. 

Yesterday, I only ate twice, I wasn’t hungry most of the day yesterday.  I ate around noon, and then around midnight last night.  I went out with some friends to a strip club, my very first experience, I had some drinks and some good times.  :)  I didn’t feel too bad yesterday/last night, aside from my lips still hurting from the sun blisters.  They are getting better, and slowly going away. 

My goal this week, is to work out atleast an hour and a half a day, all week.  Time to work on getting that body shaped up.  I was doing soo well and then all of a sudden I fell off of the band wagon.  :(  I know, my body probably needed the break, but I hate the way its left me feeling.  I hope this week is very successful. 

Since my stomach is growling at me excessively, and I just realized I hadn’t ate yet today, I better get off of here and find something to eat.  Hope everyone had a great weekend, and hope you all have a great week ahead of you!

The cause of irritations, lack of ambition, and frustration has been from the fact that I was in the process of starting my period.  In which it chose to come today.  Ugh, knowing I had plans today.  Damn mother nature.  Im trying to make the best of it, but its kinda hard when mother nature tries to rain on my parade.  Aside from the negative pregnancy test, and the period starting, I think its safe to drink some tonight.  YAY!  I need a few.  Hoping for a good night.  Then tomorrow, I must visit the gym!

July 31, marks four years since my daddy has passed away.  Unlike, the last three years i am going to make it a joyous occassion.  Instead of mourning his death, I will be celebrating his life.  The life he lived, and the life he lives now.  For the past three years, I haven’t been able to ease the pain because I didn’t want to admit that he is gone.  But, over the past four years, I have grown and and matured into the woman I am today.  I have finally come to terms with myself, that he is better off in heaven where I know he is.  I can’t physically see him, touch him, or hear him, but in my dreams I can.  Yes, I do miss him, but i understand the reasoning behind his death.  He couldn’t fight the pain any longer, he needed peace for himself and us children.  Its not came out as good as he was hoping, but Im hoping with time that it will get better.  He saw us kids pulling together through his dying days, and thought thats how we would deal with his passing, but its not how it worked out.  His death has caused so many fights and distance between all of us.  It saddens me that it didn’t pull us closer like we promised one another.  But, I am only one person, and I can only do so much.  I love all of my family, even if they don’t love me.  When I was a youngin I was taught that two wrongs don’t make a right, and I follow that quite often. 

On July 31, instead of crying for my daddy, I will be smiling for him.  He lived through alot of things that none of us will ever understand or go through.  When he was dying i found out his life wasn’t as easy as i always thought it was.  So many people judged him for all of his years of drinking, but thats the only way he knew how to kill the pain that he had endured over the years.  He lost so much in his 57 years of life.  The one thing I never let him lose was; my love for him.  All of my life, I was and always will be daddys little girl.  I can’t be that so much now, as I could in the past, but that is something that will always remain.  People often worry about me because I talk about him often, but that is how I chose to remember him.  I don’t want to forget a moment that I had with him.  Althought I’ve had some bad mixed with the good.  My daddy will always be the first man I loved.  At times I think the song, “I loved her first” by Heartland was meant for me.  The first time I heard that song it made me cry.  When I hear the song “Butterfly Kisses” I always think of him.  I can listen to it without getting all teary eyed anymore. 

Life is getting better, and I am able to cope with the things that I have gone through, over the past four years.  I can look at a picture of my daddy and not cry as I would in the past.  I think of the pictures of a reminder of who he was and what he looked like, when I have days that I cant remember.  It may seem weird but it happens after years of not being around one another.  I still miss not going to see him everyday, I even miss not driving to Ft Wayne to see him in the hospital, which is something I hated doing.  I miss his smile, and the way he kissed me on my forehead after a long visit together.  Those are some memories that I will forever cherish. 

I live for the days that I see him in my dreams.  The days that I go up and sqeeze the life out of him because I have missed him soo much.  It gives me laughter when I see him and he tells me about exciting news.  Such as the last dream, he told me he had a girlfriend, her name is Amy.  That cracked me up, and I don’t even know where that dream came from.  I am happy he no longer suffers the pain that he had for so long.  I am happy he is finally able to live life painfree. 

When July 31 rolls around, I will be painless but filled with happiness.  I know thats how he would want me to be.  I have been through soo much over the past four years, but it has all been worth it in the long run.  I have learned a lot of lessons that I wouldn’t have without my daddy passing away.  I will not mourn, i will smile.  July 31 marks the day that my daddy started his new life, his life of being painfree and full of life in a way none of us can understand or see.  I have finally set my mind free, I am free to be happy.  No more tears of sadness, but tears of joy! 

This happiness frees me up, so that I can and will be happy.  Happiness is what I need to motivate me to keep doing the good that I have been for myself.  I want and need to be what I looked like before my daddy passed away.  I am finally free me.

My lips are blistered from my sunburn and they hurt soo badly.  I just wish the blisters would go away.  My lips make me feel like my entire face is painful.  Still feeling like the bride of frankenstein today.  Eventhough my friends im going out with tonight don’t think so, nor my husband.  My hubby was very understanding last night.  This sun poisoning has me wore out and soo tired.  All along i thought it was because i thought I was pregnant, which I am not.  And that is ok, because we have a lot to do before we can have a baby.  I often go months without my period.  I think I am either having pregnancy signs because I am going to start my period, which only seems to happen on days that have something to do with my dad, or its the change in my body from all the working out.  Didn’t think about it until now, that maybe my chest is hurting because maybe its shrinking a little bit from all of the working out.  I need to try to get to the gym today, even though how I feel.  If not I must go tomorrow.  Eventhough my body probably needs a rest from all of this, since I have this shitty sun poisoning.  But I dont want to undo all of the hard work I have done.  Right now i am kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Do I give my body a break so that my sun poisoning can finish heeling, or do I not because I feel exhausted in everyway possible when im not working out.  What to do, what to do?  I hope this pain goes away soon, because its getting old really fast.!

After almost a week, since my sunburn I am starting to peel.  It appears that its turned into sun poisoning and I look like the bride of frankenstein.  My lips have blisters on them, my face is peeling up by the hair line yet.  Looks read from the irritation.  :(  My back and chest just started peeling today.  Its leaving me irritable and very itchy.  I don’t know why I every try to get sun like this.  It always ends up bad.  I think I can say this is the worse sun burn I have ever had.  In which its setting me back because it aches to where its hard to workout as hard as I would if it didn’t.  Its rather depressing. :(  I hope this goes away soon.  If anyone has any suggestions on how to speed up the recovery from this crap let me know.  Along with the sun poisoning, my left gland by my jaw is swollen.  I woke up with the swollen gland yesterday.  It hurts soo bad. 

I am totally lost at why people can be so destructive when it comes to friendships.  I sit and watch what people have done to me and I dont know why I can’t seem to see their true colors.  It hurts me, knowing that I am so forgiving at times.  How could someone throw a friendship away like its a piece of paper?  Seriously!  How can someone be so jealous because I am talking and getting along with their mother?  Its upsetting and irritating.  I have so much irritation in me right now, it sickens me.  What more can I really do?  Honestly? 

I hope I can begin to be more selfish when it comes to friendships.  I can’t keep forgiving time and time again.  I must begin to see their colors once and for all.  If it happens once, its going to happen twice, or it already has.  I shake my head at the numerous times Ive forgiven when its gotten me absolutely anywhere.  I don’t like to be firm or hurt people unless I have to, and I think I am going to have to more now than ever before.  Its unsettling the way people make me feel anymore.  I feel like my life is flashing before my eyes at times and it hurts.  I gotta get past this, hoping it will help me deal with whatever I need to deal with before I go crazy.  Im heading down a road that I don’t want to.  I see it now before I distroy all that I have worked hard for, all that I have done. 

Time to be a little distructive myself, for once.  Time to destroy what’s left of a “friendship” if thats what it even is. 

Everyday, I look at myself in the mirror, and see the reflection of beauty.  As the day goes by, I tend to gawk at myself in the mirror.  I always happen to think, Mirror, Mirror on the wall.  Since I started working on myself, I am finding myself more willing to look into the mirror.  Aside, from my recent sunburn pealing off my face. 

The reflection I see, when I look at me, is perfection.  Why perfection, because I feel that I am perfectly me.  After all of the trial and errors I have been through in my life, I am finally comfortable with the person I am.  I am becoming the woman I have been sent out to become. 

I look in the mirror today and see my face shaping up, which is the first thing that happens when I start losing weight.  I have noticed the bottom part of my stomach toning up a little bit.  I feel horrible, because I just haven’t had it in my heart over the past two days to really work out.  I am not sure whats going on with me, but whatever it is, I hope it stops really fast.  I don’t like not having that umph that I need in order for me to do what I need to do for myself.  I am lost in this body of mine.  The last few days, I have felt like Ive been trapped into someone elses body.  I keep hearing myself say, let me out, let me out.  But no matter how hard I try, I keep falling.  I am just hoping I dont fall to hard, because I don’t want to have to start this all over again.  I was doing so well, until I had a busy weekend and from there on Its been down hill. 

Help me, I dont know what to do.  I feel lost.  I know I can get past this, I just don’t know why I am drowning in my own world at this moment in time.  I thought all of the things irritating me in my life would make me work harder, but its making it harder for me to work instead.  I need to get out of this funk I am in.  I need the energy to do what I need to do for ME!

I was sitting in the breakroom at work yesterday, and a bunch of us were talking.  One of the girls that is a CSM, which is what I am.  She was telling us a story about an older woman that works as a cashier.  She is a big busty woman, she is in her 70’s and kind of heavy.  She tends to lean on the register and scale, we have talked to her about it before, but nothing ever happens.  Well one day a customer went up to the other CSM and told her that her one tomato she bought rang up for over 3 dollars.  So the girl who is the CSM, observed the older busty woman.  As was weighing peoples fruits and vegetables she was sitting her busty chest on the scale.  So the customer isn’t only paying for there fruits or vegetables, but they are also paying for the weight of this womans chest.  Everyone in the breakroom was rolling after hearing the story.  The joke of the night was to go up front and see how much or chest weighed. Everyone told me not to even try it.